Tuesday, September 17, 2013

If I Disappear

I'm starting to have some real anxiety issues at the moment. While walking I just get the urge to find a cave so that I can just watch the world go on without me for a little while while I puff away (I don't mean smoking - I'm a non-smoker. I mean that anxiety fueled "Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap...." breathlessness) trying not to freak out at random people around me.

So there's a chance that I may just disappear for a little while and stop writing and just... I don't know... Try and figure out where I fit.

At the moment I don't seem to really be fitting anywhere. I don't mean "fitting in" in a social way, but more.... Where do I fit into this world?

This world that's so full of boxes (labels, skill sets, job descriptions etc.), and disappointment (I recently had the displeasure of seeing a document that felt as if it were a dossier of my failures. Things like not managing perceptions properly, not socializing what Tartare Source is and how much power it really has, accepting the limitations placed on the system by others rather than challenging them for the sake of the user, not socializing plans for future development etc.), and injustices (we're fed this line that hard working people get their share - such is the way of capitalism), and expectations (I've never been good at managing these) etc.

So if I do disappear, I probably won't be too far away. I just need to get some... direction... certainty... less anxiety... into my life.

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