Sunday, September 15, 2013

Changes

I was catching up with Renedox's blog and came across a post that had me thinking (I also stole the picture from the blog).

The blog post talks about being paralyzed by fear as you try to play out the possible scenarios in any social situation leading to awkwardness. We often use the offhand term "over thinking" to describe this though I think it's a kind of anxiety disorder.

I had it. I probably still do. For example, I saw someone breathless yesterday just as I was leaving somewhere and haven't seen them since in which case, I'm feeling very anxious about it. I know they're fine... I've had it confirmed from other people.

But in my head I'm playing out the scenarios. For the most part, in social situations, I do tend to overcome that paralyzation... for the most part. It's still a thing. it's just not as big a thing. There's an episode of "The Big Bang Theory" that explains this very well.

Actually I've been feeling quite a lot of anxiety of lot. I'm feeling really uncertain about just about everything. In terms of my vocation I've been contemplating a life outside of computers.

Yeah... I know... huge right? Well okay... Huge for me. I've wanted to be involved in computers and/or electronics since I was.... well... I don't know. Initially it was robots and moved to computers and I remember when I wanted to get into computers but robots... that's a mystery.

But I'm now at a stage where I'm wondering if there's ANY demand for a desktop Linux person. Any offer I've had of late has been to set up some sort of infrastructure or backend - stuff I hate. And I hate having to do an inadequate job... which means I don't really have much choice but to be a contractor or consultant - someone working for themselves (I had to look this one up. Apparently "themself" is the logical singular form of "themselves" but isn't widely accepted). But if there's no demand for someone like me... Then my career is effectively dead. Where to now? Do I try and find that niche or do I move on? And if I were to move on, where would I move on to?

And in my private life.... well.... yeah.... There's something happening though I have to say - I really hate feeling this vulnerable. Enslaved to the beeps - which admittedly is better than waiting by the telephone but still.... it all leads to anxiety.

It's all kind of getting to me. My sleep patterns are kind of stuffed. I was walking today and found myself breathless. I just wish there was some certainty to my life at the moment.... but then... that's not the way life works.

This was supposed to be this really positive post about how things have changed. I've quit smoking. I've shaved. I'm comfortable talking to a wide variety of people despite my anxieties (though first meetings are still tricky)... But given that I've kind of just spurted what's on my mind at the moment the title of this post doesn't really fit... Sod it. I've written it. I don't think it's particularly bad... though chances are I'll come to hate this post within the next year... or something.

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