Sunday, September 1, 2013

Birthday Frustration

It's the end of my birthday celebrations and I'm finding myself quite ... angry. Peeved. Annoyed. Frustrated etc.

After 3 years of doing awesome stuff there's something that has me really depressed about the idea that I'm just going to have to abandon the work I've done if I ever want to make a living. Not a fortune. A living. There's a part of me that thinks I might as well take a sledge hammer to my head rather than (or in addition to?) try to do a mediocre, holy crapballs on toast I am so bored, job. I might as well be doing data entry... Hell... I'll go looking for data entry jobs tomorrow.

Mid thirties and I've figured out the world in general kind of bites. When people ask me what I do I say to them that I don't really know. I'm not really doing anything at the moment except being peeved off and trying to do stuff with Tangleball. What have I done? It doesn't matter - you can't make a living off any of it. It's ridiculous that I should be this poor for this long doing the sort of work that I've been doing. Stark raving nuts.

And the most depressing bit about it? I'm still, to a large degree, marginalized. Or rather, the work I do is marginalized. Instead of the entire product taken into account, it's a bit of it. So I got paid to do desktop support (hint:- desktop support is normally considered an entry level job) without any regard to the development work I needed to do (while the expectation to do development work never changed to line up with the paid work).

And now there are discussions around how to do what I've done for the next 3 years in a sustainable way. The really galling bit about it is that none of it involves me. I would not get paid as I'm not considered sustainable...

The main problem though: I'm really angry. Being angry is tiring and tends to burn bridges (though I'm not sure I care at this point. If the bridges were ever going to lead something, they would have by now). I don't want to be angry. I want to be paid to be awesome rather than trying to force myself to be mediocre. How's that for a job description? Just be awesome. Not all the time - but enough of the time to make it worthwhile... So yeah... Tired, angry, frustrated...

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