I had sent out the invitation for my birthday party when I got an email back from a really old friend. Truth be told, I've often told her off at my birthday party's as she's the one that points a camera around and then expects everyone to sign up to Bebo or Facebook etc. in order to even see them. But anyway, she asked me what I'd been up to and I started with "It all started with a girl". I've been thinking about that start a bit and it kept sounding like an autobiography or something. Something really quite interesting and colourful. A great way to tie things in together.
Of course, a blog isn't an autobiography... well it kind of could be. But then, there's something very egotistical about always writing about yourself (I would know) in which case a blog is more of a very watered down autobiography... or something. Anyway... so here's kind of the start of something...
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It all started with a girl...
At one point I thought the best description of my life would have been "cigarettes and coffee" - but no. Every chapter seems to have started with a girl. Don't get me wrong... if I were to write an autobiography, one chapter would almost definitely be called "cigarettes and coffee" but it's really just one phase - not my life.
I came into this world - from a girl (my mum), and spent most of my childhood amongst girls (my sisters). Enter school and it's about female teachers where "Miss" feels as much a title for someone who teaches you as much as a gender designation. Such is the gender inequality that is the education system.
After that it became girls, and my relationship to them (but mostly to myself), that opens up most other chapters. The girl who let me know it was my personality that she liked about me - definitely not my looks (years later I had heard she'd said something about not knowing if I even wanted to be alive. Depression's a cruel mistress and somehow made all the worst by mean girls). The girl who I found stressed me to the point that I started smoking. The girl who wanted children and wasn't going to let a piece of rubber stop her from achieving her ends. The girl who seemed horrified when sober upon learning that we'd snogged. The girl who told me I was special etc.
But the biggest things all of those girls have ever changed is my relationship to myself. Whether it's been in a positive or negative way, it's fair to credit those changes to that relationship with myself to those girls but perhaps not as fair to credit them with the changes that came about because of that change to that relationship to myself. Resentment to the way things turned out can be as much a positive motivator as being told "you're more special than you think you are". So unpredictable how someone will take an experience and turn it into either a motivator or an excuse.
Such is life. The answers are never easy. The tale is complex but, oft times, can be told simply:
It all started with a girl...