Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Stress

It's sometimes really hard to know how much stress you're really under. My father dropped me off somewhere yesterday (he usually offers when he has something he wants to talk to me about) and it lead to a conversation with a friend about ... well... loads of things:- My relationship with various friends. My relationship with projects and the people in those projects. Family matters which never really go away including long term health concerns. My relationship to money and it's abundant lack (and the fact that I'm borrowing money on a weekly basis). And finally, the fact that I'm getting older and don't seem to be getting anywhere.

Not getting anywhere? Today I'm tired - I haven't slept. I had to get something done by a particular time. It turns out that particular time was completely made up. I think it's a really crappy way to treat a volunteer (given that I've got a meeting tonight in East Auckland I don't really have the option to go home and get some sleep - 1.5 hours and $6 each way). Scratch that. It's a really amazingly crappy way to treat a person.

It sometimes feels like volunteers at Manaiakalani are little more than a footnote. A note that there are volunteers. Little more.

Here I am - a couple of days away from being 34 (officially in my mid-thirties) and I'm feeling really... stalled... stressed. I mean, the thing that seems to have changed is my relationship with myself. I'm starting to value myself a whole lot more. I have no problem quoting $80 / hour now - something I felt horribly uncomfortable with (though truth be told - it still doesn't mean anything to me. I'll still do a project that I'm passionate about over one that pays a lot) previously.

The main problem for me in society is that money has become the end rather than a means to an end. If it wasn't "the end", people would just decide "Actually.... I'm earning enough for my lifestyle. Instead of accumulating more wealth, I'm going to help other people accumulate wealth". Which would lead to people working less hours and having enough money to live on.

This doesn't really happen and we all expect to get our pound of flesh (hint: Property prices in Auckland are outside of affordability for first time house buyers not because of foreign investment but rather because everyone demands their pound of flesh). And once we've got a pound, we want another pound. Capitalism relies on the value of things going up.

But enough of that. Someone asked me that question that I so hate today. "Are you okay?". I was angry. Oh so very angry. The treatment of me is simply not acceptable (I'm not finishing the job - it's not me abandoning the project but rather, it abandoned me as soon as "it" lied to me). Of course, the question had it's usual effect. All of those things that aren't okay suddenly came flooding back and my mask dissolved under the weight of it all. The funny bit is that I'm actually kind of happy... sort of... mostly (I have my reasons). It's just that there's all sorts of stress which I'm not all that happy to acknowledge going on at the moment.

Happy Birthday to me.

2 comments:

  1. Happy Birthday Nevyn !!

    It aint gonna get any easier but you will get better at coping with it.

    Roll on summer.. i reckon.
    Relaxing at a not too crowded beach with plenty of cold beer and technical manuals to read or write.

    Stay strong.

    Sond

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  2. Hi Sond,

    I'm almost constantly surprised when I find out someone reads my blog - a bit like jumping at my own shadow (though admittedly my shadow is kind of creepy ;p). Even when I know someone reads my blog and they say something that reminds me of something I wrote on my blog (usually verbatim).

    Long time no see dude! If you're going to Monday's meeting I might see you then. I've volunteered to be the guy to open up TB for the AuckLUG meeting so yeah.... first AuckLUG meeting in ages.

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