Well here I am. From the bottom of my great big low. I even had to take a sanity day today.
The last couple of days has resulted in me having real difficulty in getting out of bed. Not the "Oh I really should get up but just don't feel like it" difficulty but more the "Oh god... I just can't deal with it today" sort of difficulty. We're talking about 2pm before hunger eventually has me up cooking something nasty from the freezer like hash browns or something of that ilk.
It's been awhile since I've had to take a day off for depression. Entirely necessary this time around though. I've been feeling shaky. I'll wake up from having fallen asleep somewhere (the couch, the bus etc.) and I'll be shaking like a Parkinsons sufferer. It'll take me a few minutes to get myself back in to normal working order. In other words, my nerves are frayed.
So what's troubling me? I think I've said it before - it's a thousand small things. A feeling that absolutely nothing is going right. Of course, this is all perspective. And much of it is self-fulfilling. If you're feeling down, then relationships tend to suffer.
Speaking on the whole relationship thing:
I went out last week. On the Friday night. After the work function. A couple of people went into town. I decided to bum a ride. It was a weird night. It felt odd being able to walk into places without any hassle whatsoever. Granted, I was dressed to impress. Toward the end of the night I had ended up sitting next to some random girl. We got to talking and by the end of it she even had a nickname - "Devil's Advocate" (Hint: She's a smoker). She was flirting something chronic. Which was brilliant!
The only thing is, while it should have been this great big ego boost, that wasn't what I took away from it. What I ended up taking away from the whole experience is that the relationships I care about most seem to be slipping away from me. This pretty much explains my dreams at the moment. Feeling powerless while whatever object of desire moves away from me. And like I said, this is very likely self-fulfilling. This could be a definition of depression.
And I guess you've all figured out that doing desktop support is going to ... upset me a little. It's just one of those things. You've got to keep a level head, and really, it isn't that hard keeping people happy, but really is kind of soul killing. Why you ask? You spend your time trying to fix other people's mistakes rather than making your own. On the other hand, if it means I can solve my accommodation issue (and IRD issue and Xmas issue and holiday issue), then perhaps it is worth it. I so do hate having to make decisions based on money though.
There's also the task of throwing computers at problems. Imagine this - you encounter a school which seems to be training secretaries. The Internet is somewhere you can maybe find a bit of information on World War II but otherwise, is completely useless. There's no unified I.T. strategy. The school can not afford a full time computer teacher and see the expense to be in hardware, not in training. If the teachers already know how to use a word processor, then why would you have to pay for training?
I came across one of these schools. My first thought was to laugh and get nervous. It looked very much the same as when I went to school (although we had Acorn Archimedes machines for some strange reason). What's worse-their hardware choices have me slapping my forehead. Hint to those not in the know: Buy your computer monitor separately and don't skimp on it. It will probably last you a good 3 computers or so so it's worthwhile spending a little bit more money on it and get something big'ish. If you're looking at less (and I would recommend perhaps spending 3 times that much) than $200 for your monitor, you're looking in the wrong ball park.
So my instinct is to grab them by the shoulders and shake them yelling "Spend the money on PD, not more computers!". Without the teaching, the computers are pretty little word processors. Perhaps I could try and slip a few ideas in there slowly and get them thinking about the possibilities. Oh which reminds me... If you have some time to kill, check out this site.
The holidays are coming up and I'm fretting the idea that I won't see a bunch of people during that time. It's the same distressing feeling as I had last year - only a little worse as I now know and care about everyone all that much more. Holidays do seem a little bitter sweet. With so little money I don't think I can afford a holiday and with 9 schools on for next year, I think there's going to be a hell of a lot of auditing and the like going on. So I don't really anticipate having that much of a holiday. The right phone number or a cuddle from the right person would probably make this not quite so bad.
Oh and I'm a little disappointed with AuckLUG - they're having their end of year event but have chosen a venue with very little information available (it's apparently Korean - no idea what the prices are like), haven't catered to different diets (i.e. vegetarian/gluten free etc.) and requires RSVP - which given the nature of the group, and their reluctance to RSVP, means that half of their potential attendees are unlikely to go along.
So yeah... generally miserable. Personal life is next to non-existent. Work life is going to be quite different next year (think less time with the kids). Family life has never been great.