Monday, November 21, 2011

Nevyn Hira and the Infinite Sadness

I went out drinking on Saturday night. At times, after drinking, and with a great big hangover I often find myself feeling really horribly melancholy. Often I think I've offended someone.

I'm pretty sure I did this time around. It's possibly not as bad as I think it is as she's still speaking to me. It's either it's not as bad or she's just decided a working relationship with no reference whatsoever to anything personal is probably the best thing for it. The reason I almost always feel really horribly bad about this is the fact that I never want to make anyone feel like how I perceive how I've made them feel. In most cases, it's me getting defensive. I've taken something as a bit of a slight. For example, being told "those are my friends" is less friendly than just introducing them - even though this is definitely not a cause for offense.

This time I was almost comical in my attempts to poke fun at and be cute. It just wasn't happening. I knew what I was trying to say. I could hear myself say something that sounded shocking even to me. And in that case, I'm much more likely to just shut off and go away for a little while. Just because I've found myself a spade does not mean I have to keep digging. A bit like watching yourself falling. You wonder if you should put your hand out to stop your fall but you're not sure if it will result in stopping the fall or breaking your wrist.

So blame it on that god awful shyness of mine. Or how I get myself nervous over just about everything (when you over think EVERYTHING, everything becomes a source of anxiety). There's an apology in there just waiting to come out - if you're the one I'm talking about and you're reading this, chances are there is an apology I'm going to make. I really do feel really bad about it all.

So today, still feeling melancholy and ashamed, I'm finding myself wanting to be more than just a geek. I know... it's my job. There are some people who won't give me the time of day without a technical problem to fix. And I guess this is a result of the lack of balance to my life. I haven't cooked a meal in a while. I haven't knocked something together or done any gardening. Given that I no longer smoke (I did slip up the other day while drinking, took 2 puffs and found myself horrified by what I was doing and the sensation of it all) I no longer find myself star gazing. I haven't enjoyed a meal with a friend with a couple of drinks which is why I think I went overboard this weekend. I guess I'm just wound way too tightly.

I remember a few years ago I was going through a stage where I could obsess about something or just go on with being a nerd. At the time I had termed it "To be a geek or to be a real boy". Given that I've never really been that good a "real boy" I decided to distract myself with ... well ... geeky things. I think I may a fairly good geek. However, there's got to be more... doesn't there? I mean, are the two mutually exclusive.... are they?

So there we have it. A brand new anxiety. I don't want to be known just as "the geek" anymore. I want to be a real boy. I want to have social interactions that don't have me questioning myself and my motivations and whether I've been honest etc. I want to be able to throw caution to the wind and ... well ... interact. I don't want to over think everything. I don't want to be shy. Most importantly, I want to be in the moment...

Now.... how does one go about shaking off the geek shackles?

1 comment:

  1. It horrifies me that this is the first link that comes up if you do a google search for "Nevyn Hira" (yes, I occasionally google myself) and people have been clicking on the link.

    I'm loathe to remove the post just because ... I try not to remove any posts. No matter just how embarrassed I am by them.

    This sort of thing still happens every now and again. I think it happened back in August. It's still better than the long periods of depression (which, while they do happen, are no longer nearly as extreme as they once were).

    So if this is your introduction to me... well... it's me... but not the me you're likely to meet.