Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Grace

I've been sitting here thinking about what I want to write. I have something in mind, but it's just not happening. I write a page of "stuff" and then end up deleting it because it's just not flowing. This all reminds me of me back when I was 16 and I had something I wanted to say. I was frustrated with something and really wanted to get it down in words. Anyway, it took me months to finally figure it out. It became a rather horrid poem which I'd actually gotten fairly good marks on. Yep... it became an assessed piece of work.

Anyway, part of what I want to write actually started almost sounding like grace. I'm sure I've said I kind of like the idea. If you could get rid of the references to a diety, I think it would be a whole lot better but that's just me. The problem with this is that it is full of "I" rather than the annoyance that's the imposed "we" you get when people are saying grace.

So here goes:

I am feeling anxious about my life. The idea that I've had to move back in with the folks (Oh - I moved in the weekend). I'm thankful that I'm able to rely on them. I'm a little ... embarrassed that things didn't work with the flatmate. Much as I'd like to blame someone else, I just don't think I'm the right flatmate for her.

I'm feeling lost without my own computer. I don't think I've been without a computer since.... 1999 when I moved to Christchurch and couldn't bring my computer with me.

I'm embarrassed to say that I ended up smoking again. I'm glad I've got the perseverance to see this more as a temporary setback rather than an indication that I shouldn't be quitting.

I'm resigned about the 5's. The 5 letter word "maybe" followed by the 5 month wait I think is going to be resolved by a lack of contact and I think I'm actually really quite good about it.

I'm actually feeling kind of connected to someone and although my shyness inhibits me quite a lot, I really am enjoying just spending a little time with her and being impressed by the passion she brings to what she does. One of those people who I really want to invite over for a meal. I hope I don't mess things up with my weird mixed signals which are a result of my shyness and my doubting myself.

I'm really happy that I'm surrounded by people who get it. School staff get to see some of the worst in people through the effect it has on their kid's behaviour, and oft times I go home ready to cry. And those are just the ones I'm aware of. So, I'm incredibly thankful I'm surrounded by other people who help make my anxieties not seem pathetic and who are at times as awkward as I am about these situations. Is it a good time to declare today "Teacher Aides Day"? Show your appreciation (actually, I don't really care what day this is done) for what they do and the emotional drain this puts on them and acknowledge the hideously poor rates they're paid. They really are a love over money people.

Baillie and Ian, are in DIY hell and having the carpet fitted on Monday (yay!). So I'm really happy they're buying a house which hopefully has a spare bed for when I visit after Christmas. I'm really happy I've got such cool friends. Not just Ian and Baillie, but ... well, you know who you are.

I've got to give a talk on Thursday though only to a small room full of people this time around. It's on the future of technical support for the Manaiakalani project. I'm not actually planning anything. Of course, at some stage, I have to put it down on this blog as there are quite a few people reading this blog who are interested. Here's hoping I don't seize up in a mumbling mess digging a toe into the ground and looking down saying "stuff", and what the kids have taught me, "fing" a lot.

Anyway, I think that's me. I feel.... kind of good after all of that. I highly recommend this.

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