Anything can set things off. A hit to the head (Monday), feeling like I'm being marginalised (I'm really not just a nerd. Tuesday), not being able to fix a problem as quickly as I'd hope (Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday), not having anything nearing stimulating conversation (Tuesday/Wednesday), feeling like I've failed (I've now gotten a bit tougher on some of the older kids about what they see me about - i.e. they all know how to check the password to their wireless connection and waiting for me to do it for them is just plain lazy - especially when they could be asking each other), being broke (it's pay day and I've just realised I've got around $10 left for drinks for 2 Xmas work functions after paying back the money I borrowed last fortnight and doing my final 2 weeks for the flat and accounting for transport for the next 2 weeks etc.), realising I have more work than time (I really want to go away to New Plymouth for a week during the holidays except that I know I have craploads of work to do in the month that the holidays last for - which I haven't been doing as I'm burnt out - and I don't know if I can afford it. Outlook is grim.), people using the name that I don't use just to annoy me (most of last week and this week).
So there are always reasons around to be down. It's all self pity. I get that. There are loads of other things that could upset me: The uplifted kids or those that probably should be. The social problems which no one has any real solutions to. The fact that Barnados came knocking on my door yesterday wanting regular donations to help with these sorts of problems. But then, this is my self pity. My depression.
The nerd thing - I think what I'm really missing is my old friends. The pub culture. Where I wasn't Nevyn the nerd but rather, Nevyn, the guy everyone knew. A bit like an episode of Cheers. Nerd was just an occupation. It wasn't used as a description of what I am. I'd walk into the pub and would have my choice of group to join.
Today was the volunteers morning tea at one of the schools. I think I wrote about it last year - The Whole Village. This year I turned up late. I had a meeting at another school and was pleased it ended 1/2 an hour earlier than expected so I could go. The problem though - I found myself standing around alone. This often happens. I just didn't really feel part of any group. I'm paid so I'm not a volunteer. I'm not paid for what I do thus I kind of still am a volunteer.
This isn't something new at this school. In fact, I'd guess every school has it to some extent. If you're:
- Not a teacher.
- Don't belong with a team
You're an other. You don't really fit in. You're there just as much as they are but you're not part of their group/team. Your participation in these things is more a charity rather than you belonging. Furthermore, you miss all sorts of details because often announcements of what's going on happen during "staff meetings" (which are mainly for teaching staff - as you'd expect. Most (all) of the non-teaching staff don't go to these meetings. So me finding out about the Xmas work do, for example, was someone pointing out a menu on the photocopier).
So that's me for the moment. Lowly little nerd whose probably seen as greedy given that pay is often a cause of complaint and with more work on next year than I know what to do with and very few friends around to make this all feel a little less ... daunting.
Welcome to a low. Population: Me.