Thursday, March 10, 2011

A 'lil update

So much to talk about... I'll start with me being unfair.

It's come to my attention that I've probably been a little unfair to my family. For the most part, they end up on this blog when I'm angry with them or when I'm trying to discern things about myself. It's not really about them at all. It's ALL about me.

My mother for example, isn't a bad person. I think, in a very clinical way, she could have been a better mum. But then, she's one of the few people who can tell when I'm depressed. I still live at home, not just because of my financial situation, but also because I know I'd be terribly lonely living on my own. I think a lot of the things I complain about are the very same things she's experienced in her life and is frustrated by.

My sisters... well... they're older sisters. They weren't terribly happy having a younger brother. They'd always said they wanted an older brother. I was a burden. Respect doesn't come easily.

And my father? He's a really good person. We might not always get along. The truth is, we're very a like. That's not a formula for a great relationship.

I've been having a bit of a time of it lately. At the end of last week I was offered 2 weeks of work. And then at the beginning of this week I got a letter from IRD. I couldn't help but release a little snigger. They were informing me that they had asked my bank to withdraw $500 a week from my account. I sniggered because my bank accounts closed down a while back.

This hasn't really stopped the stress. As a result though, I had to take the 2 weeks work as a technician. Bearing in mind my comment about that particular title in my last post, I'm finding myself bored. I'm told I'm good at it and there were hints that they wanted to offer me a permanent role in this position. So I kept hinting that I may have a friend who might be interested.

I popped a bubble of reality.

And my sister's coming to New Zealand (she's in Australia). This is the one I don't speak to. As a result though, if I'm not in Micronesia next month, I need to find a couch or something to sleep on or something... I refuse to be a reason why my parents couldn't spend as much time as possible with their grandson.

I lack certainty at the moment. I don't know when I'm off to Micronesia. I have no idea how much I'm being paid as a technician. There's loads of pressure from IRD. Bubble's popped. I don't yet have a title. I have no idea what sort of figures I might be facing for a pay rate when I do start getting paid for my work on the Manaiakalani project and when this is going to happen. I don't know what to do about a place to stay if I'm still in Auckland at the time and I have no idea for how long I need a place.

I'm finding myself down. Those same old depression signs are there. I'm constantly tired and just want to sleep (even though I should really be ramping myself up to do both this technician job and working on the Manaiakalani project). I'm quite delicate - occasionally I tear up. I'm indifferent especially when small things are going wrong or I just don't want to do something. The smile slips occasionally and the tired sighs are frequent. I'm self-absorbed - making me quite forgetful. I feel like I'm wearing a mask often over compensating for my feeling down with smiles and enthusiasm.

So if you see me and I seem to be struggling with words or I look like I'm tearing up - it's okay. I'm just a little down. This isn't a big deal. It happens. Things always work out in the end if not always in the way that I thought they would. Most importantly, I'm okay. I quite hate the question "are you okay?" when I'm depressed. It has me thinking about it - "Am I okay?". The truth is it's self indulgent. I'm feeling uncertain and lack control (in terms of my future) and I'm really just trying to process it and gain some sense of control.

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