Thursday, March 31, 2011

Exploring my Folly

I was rather ... intrigued? concerned? ... when grace wasn't said at a meeting I went to this week before we sat down for dinner.

I had coffee with a friend today. She brought up something that had me in tears.

What's the common link? My own folly.

My previous blog posts were done in the heat of the moment. I was angry. Writing up the posts did have a rather therapeutic effect on me. I was able to process things a little better. But the effects from it have been quite profound. Not necessarily in a positive way.

Despite not being of Christian faith, I do find saying "grace" quite comforting (though I'd rather call it "giving thanks" or "sharing anxieties"). The idea that you sit and share what is causing you some anxiety really appeals to me. Those insecurities you feel? Chances are they're shared.

And the crying... Here I am trying to deal with things in a very intellectual manner. I reason. But I haven't been dealing with things on an emotional level. Not to an extent where my mental health is being dealt with. So rather than confronting someone (given that I absolutely hate confrontation) about something, I've been reasoning my way through it.

The thing that had me thinking and crying - my sister. Here I am reasoning things out but there's just so much I don't know. Why she feels about me the way that she feels about me (which I conclude from her behaviour toward me). I'm actually quite thrown by this. Knowing that she acts the way that she does because she feels she has to doesn't stop me from feeling hurt by the way she feels.

But I think what throws me more is the fact that I'm conflicted by the endless "But she's your sister. You should just make amends." comments I often get. And the feeling of being stuck. By not making amends, I'm disappointing some of the people around me. Making amends would be discarding my own feelings and thoughts around the subject. And stuck because I don't have a couch to crash on if ever I'm desperately in need.

The question is, how do I go about dealing with things from an emotional level?

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