Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Nevyn vs. Nilesh

I've decided to follow the whole psychological path.

So today I got angry. I saw red and reacted before thought.

So what do we know about anger? It's like a fire. A quick flaring fire. It's suddenly there. It takes fuel to maintain it. It's tiring like carrying heavy logs to it.

It's also self indulgent. If I were to yell for more than a few minutes, I would soon be told that I'm being horribly self indulgent. It's all about me. This is what I've done and this is the way that I'm treated. My family has absolutely no qualms about telling me that.

Of course, I find this aggravating as it feels as if what I'm feeling is being marginalised.

And there's the risk that I'm transferring. I'm putting my negative feelings about something on to something else.

When my sister insulted me earlier, she used the name Nevyn. My anger was much worse than if she had used the name Nilesh. Nilesh will take the abuse.

And this separation of personalities? No, I'm not schizophrenic. Humans are an infinite quantity. If it's true that we only use 10% of our potential, and we're all different, thus we may use more or less around that 10%, then it's inconceivable as to what we're capable of. It makes all of those report cards I got as a kid laughable. "Nilesh is doing well but is not meeting his full potential". Show me a person who is.

Anyway, the point is, humans are very good at adapting. We're full of potential. Me, I've found that the only way to become the person I want to be without drowning in the negative attributes others apply to me is to be the person I want to be for the most part (Nevyn) and regressing into Nilesh for certain situations. It's hard when I have to go really long periods as Nilesh. I hate it. Family weddings, family do's, Indian events. What defines the difference? Those who have gotten to know me and those who haven't.

So in terms of family, that whole "baby of the family" bit isn't at all who or what I am, thus, to them, I'm Nilesh. They don't have any interest in actually getting to know me. Otherwise I would not be struggling with sisters who can't seem to show me any sort of respect and parents who are more interested in no one arguing than actually looking at the problems that are there.

Lately I've been preaching this whole idea of living in the present. I know it's horribly stereotypical but let's stop and think about it for a second.

If someone were to say to you that you said something and you can't remember saying it, does it actually matter? Whether you said it or not, that person has the perception that you said it. Thus, what's important isn't what you said, but what that persons perception is of the situation.

In business, it's fairly easy. If there's no paper trail, it wasn't actually said. There are very practical reasons for emailing your neighbour.

Life isn't quite that easy. We don't leave that paper trail for every interaction we have. Thus, the only thing we can deal with, given that we don't carry dictaphones with us recording all of our interactions, is that perception.

It's not quite so easy when those perceptions keep being reinforced. Still, it's food for thought.

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